July 6th marked my 35th birthday. Being a parent on your birthday you know that even if it's your day, the majority of your day is not about you. This is a reality that you become accustomed to, but this birthday, I really struggled.
My morning started at 2 am with my elderly dog, Silas, having the runs and needing to be let out. This went on intermittently for about an hour. Running downstairs to go outside, going upstairs hoping he was done just to get woke up 10 mins later to do it all again. Once that excitement was over and just as I was going to fall asleep, my molar started acting up with a throbbing pain. Once the medicine kicked in, I finally had a chance to lay down, only to have my 9 month old, June, wake up and stay awake.
The morning flew by with breakfast, laundry, and getting our new Mini Aussie puppy, Scout, to do his business outside instead of on our floor. Once noon hit, we were off to the dentist for Montana's tooth cleaning. With the puppy being so fresh to our home, we decided to take him with us. That was a mistake. As we drove, the puppy began to cry and whine and as we got closer, it got louder. The noise hurting her ears, June began to cry and got louder and louder also. At this point in the car ride, my brain went into Mommy Auto-pilot zone.
+Side Bar: (Anyone not familiar with this, its a place you go to when you have hit the point of complete overstimulation and burnout where you're conscious but not fully there in order to keep the little ounces of sanity that you're barely hanging onto. Now, back to your regularly scheduled blog.)
Through the dentist appointment and through most of the day, I was struggling to get myself out of this zone. I hit the wall of tiredness that ever mother knows too well. You've been needed so much, touched and needing to hold everyone, and not a moment to stop and just reflect and breathe. All I wanted to do was drive in my car and just be alone.
I was surprised by my husband coming home early and granting my wish. As I drove around town, stopping by various stores, another familiar feeling came up. Mom guilt. Even though I wanted to have time to not be needed by anyone, I couldn't help but watch the car clock minutes tick by and feel the weight of shame for leaving my family. Being gone two hours was long enough for me, and half of the things I bought was more for the family and home than it was for me. (Funny how that works.) We concluded the day with all of us going out to dinner. I laid in bed that night thinking of how my day went.
Motherhood is such a strange and wonderful mystery of conflicting emotions of trying to find yourself again and not wanting to be away from the ones who have taken up so much of your time and energy. It's a journey where you're never alone but often feel completely alone. Where you lose yourself and gain so much more. So if you're a mom who's overwhelmed, under pressure, and always questioning if you're doing it right or doing a good job, and all you want for your birthday is to not only to be left alone, but also to have your family close, you're in good company.
That's it for me. Wishing you all a blessed week and hoping your summer is going well.